Toilets Are Dangerous and We Don't Need Them
Every day, tens of millions of Americans sit atop a foul cesspit of waste for minutes or even hours, not considering the awful risks to which they are exposing themselves. The toilet may seem innocuous and even funny to most, but in truth, it's anything but.
In 2008 alone, 234,094 nonfatal injuries occurred in American bathrooms, a quarter of them near the toilet. A rare few deaths happened as well. Bruises to the buttocks and dislocations of the hip occur when sitting or falling down on an unforgiving toilet seat. Hemorrhoids result from straining to defecate.
Also of concern are chemicals used to sanitize toilets. Bleaches and other cleaning solutions are poisonous if consumed, and may increase your risk of cancer if you use them. Moreover, the onset of childhood autism closely follows potty training. There might be a link.
Toilet proponents might shrug off the risks of noxious chemicals. They also might suggest installing wall-mounted grab bars, buying "Squatty Potties," or using child seats to minimize physical dangers, but those fixes are mere bandaids sure to fall off. There's a simpler solution: why don't we just do away with toilets and instead defecate and urinate outdoors?
Rather than exposing ourselves to an unnatural piece of porcelain, humans could simply return to the ways of our ancestors and do our business in nature. The process would be completely natural, allowing us to assume the traditional squat position that makes pooping far more pleasant. Moreover, we would drastically lower water use, as toilets account for nearly 30 percent of an average home's indoor water consumption. Plants and lawns would also benefit from the boost in fertilizer. Lastly, we could reduce inflammation, relieve anxiety, focus better, and boost creativity by spending time outside.
Since nature doesn't only call at home, employers and schools must be amenable to workers and students who don't wish to expose themselves to the health risks of toilets. Exemptions should be granted to all who wish to opt out of bathroom use, and suitable outdoor areas must be provided for defecation and urination. Americans must be granted complete control over these essential functions of life.
Our bodies. Our health. Our choice!
Author's Note: This article is intended as SATIRE, meant to mirror the illogical and questionable arguments used by opponents of vaccines, who often employ out-of-context statistics, appeals to nature, and outright falsehoods to mislead others into thinking that vaccines are dangerous. They then may argue that personal health freedom outweighs public health.
Well, you can construct a similarly frightening narrative about toilets.
In just the first six months of 2018, there were more than 40,000 cases of measles across Europe, with 37 deaths. "Last year there were 23,927 cases and the year before 5,273. Experts blame this surge in infections on a drop in the number of people being vaccinated," the BBC reported.
Though often taken for granted, toilets, latrines, and centralized waste disposal have saved the lives of millions and improved the lives of billions by vastly reducing the spread of disease. The same is true of vaccines, which, like toilets, are exceedingly safe to use. We must work to make proper sanitation and freedom from preventable disease through vaccination basic human rights.